 You Might Be A Redneck/Blue Neck If... | |
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A REDNECK WHEN AT YOUR CHURCH:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because
none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish
were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and
five guys and
two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church
directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's
Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy
ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE NECKS?"
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins.
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what Moon Pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob,Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Billie Ruth, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade. | 
Sometimes my dad takes a day off from being an ass so he can make fun of me....then he'll make fun of himself.
