By popular demand, another five of the best jokes around... - Eternal Allegiance

Chewie · 09-18-2002, 02:16 PM

Enjoy

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows!

Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.

Chewie · 09-18-2002, 02:17 PM

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

A voice from the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"

Chewie · 09-18-2002, 02:18 PM

20- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
19- Do I look like a freakin' people person?
18- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
17- I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
16- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
15- You! Off my planet!
14- Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
13- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
12- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
11- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
10- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
9- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
8- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
7- Adults are just kids who owe money.
6- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
5- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
4- Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.
3- Does this condom make me look fat?
2- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
1- I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Chewie · 09-18-2002, 02:18 PM

1- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3- It is important to find a woman that enjoys having sex.
4- It is important that these three women never meet.

Chewie · 09-18-2002, 02:19 PM

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then made passionate love. When they finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife for a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."

Ok, that's enough for a while!