Street Walker
Britney Spears hits the pavement for some Big Apple window shopping. And just in time--she needs to find a better blouse to go under that fall-hued floral-print velvet frock thing than, what is that, a disappearing lemon tube top? She should also snag a black beret to replace the gray tweed topper she probably borrowed from Justin and never gave back. If she looks real hard, she might even find trousers the right length. Or some scissors. Or a tailor. We hear they have good ones in Manhattan.
Mission Complete
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie put on a pink parade for their Simple Life welcome back bash in Los Angeles. Their twinsie togs--pink swirl-print scarf-hem silk dresses with sassy ankle-strap heels--are perfect homecoming dresses. These party girls sure are holding up well after a few weeks of rough livin', what with their fresh wheat-blond hair extensions and Mystic Tans. But what's that pink-wrapped horny bovine beast behind them? Guess Paris' Chihuahua Tinkerbell wasn't so lucky...
Problem Child
Looks like the awkward years have caught up with Natalie Portman at the Grand Classics screening of Camille in New York. The usually elegant young actress embraces her inner Courtney Love with a grunged-out wrinkled gray tee, white tank, blue and violet flounced mini, black cotton tights and ankle-strap sandals. And is that wonky waved bob intentional or just too much thickening lotion? Either way, let's hope little Nat outgrows this fashion phase quickly.
Sex and the Citrus
Siren Kim Cattrall looks downright juicy at the New York premiere of The Agronomist in a bright orange trench with--yipes!--matching bright orange pumps. Tricky thing about this hot new hue: A little goes a long way. It's either the trench or the shoe, babe. Both, and you're a construction zone. But even though Kim looks a little overripe, we'd still give her a big squeeze.
Open Season
A smiling Jessica Simpson puts on a good front at Tommy Hilfiger's H fashion show in New York. Her adorable ruched white silk H minidress with black trim reveals tan, Chicken of the Sea-worthy legs, arms and chest. Bet we know how this fine-figured southern gal keeps her hubby Nick "taken care of"--she probably gives the lucky guy private fashion shows every night. Right after the burping contests.
Unnatural Selection
Did Jared Leto trap and wear the catch of the day at the grand opening of the Lincoln Steakhouse in Santa Monica? He's clearly on the hunt for bad taste with a Wisconsin Umpires tee, many-zippered snowboarding pants and hair longer than Cameron Diaz's. But it's the fur cap that has us begging forest rangers to arrest the man. Thanks to Leto's wild attire, the legend of Grizzly Adams lives on.
Grapes of Wrath
Minnie Driver is one Big Gulp of grape juice at the Glamour Magazine Don't Party in Hollywood. Her shiny, purple velour zip-neck top, pajama pants and gold cocktail heels are pure "don't you dare" material. So is the frizzy hair, gold eye shadow and orange lipstick. This garish getup is actually a little too perfectly imperfect. Minnie, we admire your dedication--but you're scaring us!
Bum Wrap
Lucy Liu unravels at the Hollywood premiere of Kill Bill: Volume 2. We love the sexy, sheer, chiffon 'n' lace tiered frock and softly waved retro 'do, but those garish green ribbons have gotta go! Who tied that limp, uneven front bow, an eye-patch-wearing Daryl Hannah? We've seen more attractive accents on a first-grader's Mother's Day gift. Definitely knot a good look.
Fashion Police: week of 4/21/04 
she's worn that thing so many times and it's so uuugly. Maybe she thinks people won't recognize her beauty in it (?)
