GQ's Open Letter To Baby Spears... haha. - Eternal Allegiance

€arth Ångel · 09-24-2005, 09:15 AM

LMFAO... I loved the "those fat virgins camped out at your house called paparazzi can get a lot money for your picture!" part... rofl.

Quote:

Dear Baby Spears,

Oh, baby, baby! Did you hit the lottery or what? How do you like those Gucci diapers? Whoa! And who knew Dior made a rhinestone pacifier? You've got it made, kid. Nobody on earth has a mommy and daddy like yours. What a dreamy life you'll have: Breakfast at noon. Ice Cream for lunch. Lavish dinners at the Cheesecake Factory. Free Parliaments for life! In your private jet, you'll zip off to Paris (in Vegas), Venice (in Vegas), and New York (in Vegas).

Mommy and Daddy are, like, mad psyched you're here. Daddy's already installed a baby seat in the H2 - with a special holder for your pimp cup! And he's entered you guys in the Fresno Father-Child Break-Dancing Face-Off. And how neat is it to hear Mommy sing "I'm a Slave 4 U" as a lullaby? She's also working on "Rock-a-Bye, Baby." But first she's got to fly to Sweden to iron out the remix.

And look at all your presents! You're the only baby we know with a stuffed panda, a live panda, and a bodyguard named Panda. Mommy and Daddy's friends gave you great gifts, too. Like that chinchilla Snugli? That's from Auntie Paris. The platinum-plated diaper warmer? That's from Uncle Diddy. And that eight-foot-tall Mapple Thorpe nude? That's from Christina Aguilera.

But there are some drawbacks to being you. Look out the window. See those fat virgins camped out in their Hyundais? They're called paparazzi. Mommy and Daddy hate them. But they can get $100,000 just for a photo of you. If you walk down a beach arm in arm with Brad and Angelina, they might even get a million.

Everyone will want a piece of you, kid. Rolling Stone wants you to pose for the cover with Apple, Lourdes, and Rocco. Proactiv wants you to do a baby-acne commercial. And Tom Cruise wants you to accompany him for two years, from 2031 to 2033. Just as a "friend". He'll make it worth your while. Just sign here:

X
______________________

So it's going to be a wonderful life, baby. But you're going to need a few morsels of advice.

1. Obey the house rules.
No tattoos until you're 2. No shirtless videos until you're 3. Never pick up the phone if the caller ID says 'F. Durst'. And just so you know, French fries are a vegetable.

2. Plot your rebellion.
This is going to be easy. Don't even worry about smoking or drinking. Just pop Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" into the CD player and watch Mommy chase you with her white leather belt.

3. Avoid the celebrity-child trap.
The whole world is going to want to see you hit rock bottom, join the cast of The Surreal Life, and wind up selling corncobs on the Santa Monica Pier. So maybe it's best if you stay out of show business. Just find a respectable career. Do hits for the Mafia. Manage a sweatshop. Play drums for Ashlee Simpson. Anything!

4. Keep the singing to the shower.
Sorry, kid. It's actually not in the genes.

Good luck, baby. We'll be watching. (not from the Hyundai - we promise.)

Sincerely,

GQ

P.S. That smelly thing in your diaper? Hold on to it. You can probably get $5,000 for it on eBay.

Angel_Eyes · 09-24-2005, 09:30 AM

lol thats too funny Thanks for posting.

Birgerhar · 09-24-2005, 09:38 AM

LMFAO. That was great.

Nanny · 09-24-2005, 11:56 AM

Oh that was great!

"Stay out of show business... Play drums for Ashlee Simpson" That was too funny. Oh and the bit about "Cry Me A River" that was funny.

Thanks for posting. That was good for a laugh and a half (hehe rhymage)

ForeverInLoveWithJus · 09-24-2005, 12:11 PM

I enjoyed that LMAO.

Green Ranger · 09-26-2005, 08:42 AM

i didnt like the part about the singing is not in the genes...im offended, Jamie Lynn can sing good...lol

Nanny · 09-27-2005, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASENCION

i didnt like the part about the singing is not in the genes...im offended, Jamie Lynn can sing good...lol

Britney can too. Well, maybe not now that she's smoked and hasn't sung in... well... Since the early Oops days, but that performance of her on Star Search... her lungs could handle a good voice back then.

Dirty Drink · 09-28-2005, 02:54 PM

oh man!

i litterally had tears in my eyes.... well okay... i didn't but almost...
that was effin' hilarious!