 Sporting Big Brother | |
Just when you thought Big Brother had finally disappeared up its own backside, plans have been announced for another celebrity version.
Sporting Big Brother: Who would you pick?
Last time around, comedian Jack Dee was declared the winner, while viewers were aghast that the likes of Vanessa Feltz and Anthea Turner were allowed back into civilised society.
The only sports star to make it into the final six was boxer-turned-lorry driver Chris Eubank, so why not go the whole hog this time and make it a true sporting affair?
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The contestants:
Roy Keane; Tim Henman; Paula Radcliffe; Bobby Robson; David Beckham; Arsene Wenger.
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Now, where am I again?
Day One:
David is upset that someone has used his soap and asks everyone in turn if they are the culprit.
Tim says he can't get motivated to wash, Roy asks if his sexuality is being questioned, Arsene says he didn't see anything, Paula is running around the garden, and Bobby asks for the question to be repeated.
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Day Two:
Big Brother asks everyone to name their favourite song.
David plumps for You're So Vain (he really does think this song is about him), Arsene selects It Wasn't Me, while Tim picks that Nick Berry classic, Every Loser Wins.
Paula can't choose between Hold Your Head Up and Keep On Running, Bobby opts for The Oldest Swinger In Town and Keano reluctantly settles on Paranoid.
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I'll take you all on
Day Three:
The contestants must choose their weekly shopping list.
Tim: Champagne and caviar.
David: Hairspray and Lego set.
Paula: A stop-watch.
Arsene: Football pitch jigsaw.
Roy: Anger management book.
Bobby: Pair of slippers and a packet of Werther's Originals.
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Day four:
Paula is still running around the garden, David is sunbathing, Arsene is studying grass growth and Bobby is trying to remember where he is.
In the kitchen, Tim is preparing a prawn sandwich when Roy suddenly unleashes a tirade of expletives.
Tim, buoyed by his new-found hunk status after the washing powder ad, clenches his fist. Wrong move amigo.
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Day Five:
Tim leaves the BB house on a stretcher (he never gets past the last four), Roy follows in a police car.
Wenger says he didn't see anything and is evicted to a chant of "Boring, boring Arsene".
Round and round the garden...
David is released after Sir Alex gets special dispensation from the FA, Paula is still running around the garden and a bemused Bobby is declared the winner.
"What are you going to spend the £70,000 on?" asks Davina.
"Marbles," says Bobby - "I seem to have lost mine." | 
