ManSlippers

J. Lo’s Posse Returns
National unemployment figures plunge as Lopez rehires her entourage


NEWSWEEK WEB EXCLUSIVE


Sept. 18 — The bust-up of Hollywood couple Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has had a positive effect on the U.S. economy, the Labor Department reported today, because Lopez immediately rehired the bloated entourage that Affleck had earlier insisted she fire.
IN THE course of rehiring her extensive posse of yes men, sycophants and hangers-on, Lopez created as many as 100,000 new jobs, believed to be a new one-day record, the Labor Department reported.
Across the nation, unemployed workers who had given up looking for jobs were cheered by the news of Lopez’s staffing decision, many of them choosing to head to Miami’s South Beach to seek employment as one of the extravagant diva’s leeches.
Lopez’s unexpected hiring boom was only one economic benefit of the Affleck-Lopez split-up, as news of Affleck’s single status sparked a rally in gaming and stripper-related stocks on Wall Street.
ThongWare, the nation’s largest manufacturer of thongs, G-strings and other stripper accessories, has seen its shares rise more than 30 percent since Affleck reportedly backed out of his wedding with Lopez. “Going forward, we expect the stripper-based stocks to continue building on their strength,” says Henry Coulier, an analyst at Credit Suisse First Boston. “Whether Ben Affleck decides to hang out at strip clubs every night or not, a lot of investors out there clearly believe that he will.”
In a related story, a man who mailed himself home to Texas in a box last week now says that he did so because the in-flight movie was “Gigli.”