ManSlippers

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
-Jack Benny

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."
-Gracie Allen

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."
-Milton Berle

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns

"You're never too old to become younger. "
-Mae West

"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins."
-Charlie Chaplin

Do You Have A Bunch Of Junk That You Want To Sell On
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."
-Lucille Ball

"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
-Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
-W.C. Fields

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
-Henny Youngman